I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
