So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
