I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
They have beer where we have blood.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
