it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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