Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
