I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
