my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
