Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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