he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
two words...techno handjob
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
