My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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