I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize