she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize