I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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