I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
