So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
