im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize