batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
