Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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