fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
