I didn't shave. On purpose
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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