drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize