I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
