so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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