bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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