it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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