pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
