Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Randomize
