When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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