and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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