Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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