i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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