Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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