it's not cheating when I paid for it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
