____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
