If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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