I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
