So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize