My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
