you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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