bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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