how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize