I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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