I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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