I could have mohawked her pubes.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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