I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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