Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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