Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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