Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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