you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
