it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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