I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
