I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My vagina is very pro this idea
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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