i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
