Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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