ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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