I wanna bring you to show and tell
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
