I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Randomize
