sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
