I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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