well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
