Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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