how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
