I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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