I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
